


The Pipedream of Neil Josten

by kanekicure



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew working through his trauma with Neil, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Gentle Sex, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, andrew has been alone for a very long time, neil takes care of andrew too, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:41:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26572366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanekicure/pseuds/kanekicure
Summary: Andrew Minyard is thirteen when he dreams of an unattainable hope.He’s nineteen when he finds it in the form of dyed hair and little white lies.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 64
Kudos: 435





	The Pipedream of Neil Josten

**Author's Note:**

> The first disclaimer I want to make is I don't normally write explicit nsfw work. However, writing something that almost completely focuses on sexual situations it becomes confusing and difficult to just 'allude' to the sexual act. So I wrote this.  
> I want to explore Andrew healing with his trauma, and growing to becoming comfortable to explore his sexual wants with someone he loves and trusts (Neil obvi). I also firmly hate how this fandom has created such a strong 'top' or 'bottom' discourse. That isn't how it is with them, it's about trust and wanting to be with someone you love. (In this fic anyways, everyone is free to their own opinion of course :)) This is a very personal piece for myself and I wanted to depict the side of healing where you make a step in a the direction you want and the fall isn't so scary. 
> 
> Please be kind, enjoy. 
> 
> song recommendation; 'Someone to Stay' by Vancouver Sleep Clinic.

Andrew Minyard was thirteen when he sat at the bottom of his shower, his knees brought to his chest as lukewarm water poured onto his trembling body. His face stayed buried in his knees, as his hands grasped at his hair, pulling until it stung, until his arms quivered at the force because this pain was better than the ache that carved out his entire body. Humiliation was heavy on his shoulders, and he scrubbed at his body to no avail, he had finished washing himself thirty minutes ago. But the dirt on his skin was still burned there, stained. 

Andrew Minyard was thirteen when he let himself pretend. His eyes slipping closed on the shower floor as he imagined another person with him. That someone wouldn’t care that he was stripped of his clothes, their hands stayed where Andrew wanted them. Resting on his shoulders, firmly and with a promise. A promise of comfort. Something he refused to admit that he needed. He would want them to move closer to him, the only person in the world who Andrew would want not to fear him. He would let them closer, because they were safe. They would pull him to their chest, maybe even ask him if that was okay. 

And Andrew would cling to them in return, and they would hold him. They would hold him and ignore the stained skin and scarred arms. They would understand, they would know why he did what he did. They wouldn’t pity him as the boy who sat on the floor of the shower and cried. They would see him as the boy who still managed to get up in the morning again after. And if some days he couldn’t, then maybe they would understand that too. They would know he was trying his best- they would... they would.

Andrew Minyard shattered his fantasy with a jolt. The blood in the shower tinted the water pink and he scowled when he realized he was bleeding again. 

Pathetic. So pathetic. The fact that he would even indulge in something showed how weak he truly was. He shoved himself off of the floor, ignoring his aching body that begged him to be gentle with them and he let his fantasy fade to nothing but a distant spark. 

Andrew Minyard would never get a pipedream like that. 

Andrew Minyard did not get nice things. 

-

Andrew Minyard is twenty two when he wakes up in a cold sweat from a dream that repeated another memory that he wishes he could forget. He wakes bundled in a white sheet, and a thick blue comforter, his head pressed against something solid and judging by the slight rhythmic movement, it was still asleep. 

His fingers twitch from where they are curled in Neil’s shirt, gripping tightly to the younger man like he’s desperate to keep him from fading away. 

His stomach curled in distaste. Pathetic. 

Andrew twitching fingers stir the sleeping lump beside him. He bites back a curse because Neil is the only person he knows whose a lighter sleeper then him. Neil’s body tensing, probably now cluing into the death grip Andrew has on his t-shirt, before he raises a questioning hand that hovers over Andrew’s own.

Not for the first time, Andrew Minyard hates Neil Josten. 

“Andrew?” Neil’s voice is low, to avoid waking the other people sharing the dormroom, but Andrew knows that Neil could give less of a damn about them and more so for the fact that Andrew hates anyone seeing him vulnerable - weak. 

“Go back to sleep.” He manages to get out, reaching his pinky finger out. Letting Neil know it was okay to rest his hand over Andrew’s own. It squeezes lightly, and Andrew wants to shove him off the bed just to prove he doesn’t need them. “I’m fine Neil.” 

It’s his own way of apologizing, of wishing he didn’t wake Neil everytime his memories shake him awake. 

“Can I turn around?” Neil asks instead and Andrew sighs, to let the other know how troubling it is that he’s asking for this but he nods against his back and Neil turns quickly. 

He’s practically in Andrew’s arms by this point because the dorm beds are not big by a longshot but Andrew gave up his own separate bed for Robin and it wasn’t like he and Neil didn’t spend every night in each other’s bed anyways. 

But now, Andrew resents it because Neil’s eyes are striking in the dark room, and Andrew is being pulled in with them. Neil meets him halfway and Andrew hates how the kiss makes some of the tension leak out of him. He hates how Neil’s palm cover his own is enough to keep himself from shaking against the sheets. 

“You know it’s okay if you aren’t fine. You’re the one telling me that all the time.” Neil cracks a half assed smile that Andrew can barely make out and he’s tempted to grab the pillow from under his head and smother the other with it. 

“Do as I say, not as I do.” Andrew pipes back and Neil rolls his eyes, hand squeezing his own that makes Andrew’s mind settle and he despises it. 

“I’m serious though, are you okay?” 

If this was two years ago, Andrew would have been furious. Would have shoved Neil off of the bed and stormed away, wouldn’t have even been close enough to Neil in sleep for him to have noticed in the first place. But it isn’t two years ago, and Andrew doesn’t exactly hate who he’s becoming. 

“I am now, okay idiot? Now go back to sleep, we have practice early tomorrow thanks to _someone_.” 

Neil grin grows to an unbashful one at the reminder and he nods, making a show of snuggling into his pillow and if Andrew stretched to place a kiss on his nose… well no one has to now except for the two of them.

It’s then, that Andrew’s mind begins to wander. As he closes his eyes and listens to the rhythmic breathing of the body next to him even out. His mind never stops, he’s always had the ability to zone out and ignore the world for hours, it was a blessing and a curse.

It’s then that he considers how much he enjoys the warmth seeping for Neil next to him. How his body craves Neil’s touch, like it craves cigarettes. How durning the moments that they’re together, everything falls into a quiet peace that Andrew has never known. That in the moments where him and Neil are against each other, breathing, kissing, stroking, rocking together into the mattress, that he feels safe in the arms that reach up and frame his face. How much he enjoys the sight of Neil falling apart under him, how much he enjoys the endless praise that leaves Neil’s mouth when they are as close as two human beings can become.

He had been terrified at first, not that he would admit it, at the idea of going all the way with Neil. The idea of hurting Neil in the ways he had been hurt was suffocating, he hadn’t even approached the idea of fingering Neil for months. But he could never get the thought out of his head, the idea of it being like what he had seen in some stupid movies that he enjoyed watching in the privacy of his room, or even porn. The first time he had seen a video of a _real_ couple having pentrative sex it had been stuck in his head of days.

When he finally brought it up to Neil one night, he was shocked to see the way Neil had instantly agreed, almost too eger for someone who claimed to have no idea about sex. 

And _fuck_ once him and Neil had crossed that bridge there was no going back. Nothing could compare to the feeling and sight of pushing into Neil for the first time, everytime. How excited Neil would get over it, the times Neil _asked_ him if they could have sex, feeling confident enough to voice his own wants.

It had been ground breaking, and it was now that Andrew was beginning to consider something else - that was making his blood run cold. 

He wanted Neil to fuck him. 

He wanted to know what it was like to be under someone and feel safe, to be the one receiving and watching as Neil fell apart because of _him_ and his body. To have Neil hold him in that way, to have Neil - take care of him. To take him apart with something other than his mouth or hand. 

How far has Andrew really fallen now.

He _wants_ to give up that control for Neil. Because he trusts Neil now. 

But it isn’t that easy, he knows it still has to hurt in some way. Even if Neil says it doesn’t after the prolonged time it takes for Andrew to prep him, Neil probably has no idea what type of hurt to look for with his pain tolerance. 

Andrew does, Andrew knows. And he knows with the trauma that still wakes him up at night that even crossing this bridge might be impossible. 

Andrew curls closer to Neil’s now sleeping form, keeping his hand still interlocked with the other. He’s willing to try, he decides, to see if it is possible. 

He doesn’t want to admit to himself that he hopes it is.

  
  


-

It starts after the Foxes win another game, and Andrew sees Neil throw his helmet off and make a beeline straight for the goal. It’s in those heart pounding few moments, and the entirety of sitting next to Neil’s vibrating form at Eden’s that Andrew decides to take the first step.

He’s meeting Neil’s kisses as quickly as he can in his dimly light bedroom. He won’t admit it, but the night’s win is also making his heart pound against his chest as he pushes Neil down onto their bed and straddles him. 

“Touch me.” He says against Neil’s lips when he notices the other’s hands still at his sides. “Hips up for now.” 

Neil doesn’t need to be told twice, his palms coming up and running along Andrew’s ribs causing him to shiver. They grasp and gently dig into Andrew’s skin through the thin layer of his t-shirt. Andrew pulls back from Neil’s lips and tugs the fabric off of his body and he bites his tongue to keep himself from making a noise when Neil’s warm hands grasp at his bareskin. 

“Fuck, Andrew.” Neil groans, when Andrew dives back in and begins trailing kisses down the other’s neck, his own hands making their way up into Neil’s hair, to steer him in the direction he wants. “Ah - god, fuck you were so good tonight.” 

Andrew will never admit the way the praise causes his stomach to boil, nor the way his touches grow heavier as he yanks Neil’s shirt off. So he lets it slide, let’s Neil have his junkie moment in bed. And now letting himself explore the scars he knows so well, letting his hands stroke, and his lips to follow. Andrew grinds his hips down as he does so, enjoying the noise that leaves his partner’s mouth. 

“Andrew.” He groans, dropping his head into the crook of his neck.

Andrew feels his heart pumping furiously in his chest, his own decision he came to tonight coming back to him and in this moment he craves it. When he thinks about it, it isn’t met with the resistance that he expects in his mind, the loathing thoughts slightly quieted in the safety of Neil’s presences. He allows himself to want this, to want to try this.

He presses a palm to the flat of Neil’s chest to push him away. Neil doesn’t resist, like always, and lets himself be moved. Blue eyes flicking up to meet his own with lust and concern clouding them. 

Andrew forces himself to speak through the cotton in his mouth, “I want to try something.” He says slowly, hooking his fingers on Neil’s chin to keep him looking steady. “I can’t promise it’ll turn out good though, and you can say no.”

Neil doesn’t bat an eye, only cocks his head slightly and asks, “What is it?”

“I want you to try and finger me.” 

That does bring Neil by surprise, his eyes widening only slightly before the red creeps back into his face with a vengeance. At first Andrew is worried he’s embarrassed or some other stupid emotion his junkie would feel, but the grip on Andrew’s side grows sweaty and tighter and Andrew realizes with faint amusement, that he’s _aroused_. 

“Yes.” Neil grunts out, “Fuck, yes Andrew.” He pauses for a moment though, his eyebrows drawing up in slight concern. “But are you sure?”

Andrew huffs and presses more insistently on his chest so the other drops down flat on the bed. 

“I’m sure. I wouldn’t have asked otherwise. I just can’t promise you that it’ll go well, but I want to try. I’m…” He hesitates, hating the way his voice wavers, “I’m ready to try now.”

Neil nods quickly, before glancing beside himself awkwardly so Andrew saves him the embarrassment and flops down beside him too. They lay there for a few moments in silence, and Andrew lets it sit because it’s comfortable and he knows that they can stop whenever he needs it too. Enjoying the feeling of Neil’s hand gently twining with his own in support.

“Uh… how do you want to do this?” Neil says, “Where do you want me to be.” 

Andrew frowns at that, because he isn’t sure. But he pushes himself up and moves to lay with his head in the pillows and Neil turns to sit in between his legs. Looking down at a shirtless Andrew, and his hair a frazzled mess on his head - still damp from the shower after Eden, and Andrew lets the sight consume him. Let’s the arousal simmer higher in his gut as he hooks his ankles on Neil’s thighs and brings him closer. 

“Come on you ass, don’t make this weird.” 

Neil snorts at that and rolls his eyes as he pushes forward and slots their lips together. Taking a bold step and leading the makeout in earnest and Andrew decides that this is good. He doesn’t mind the weight of Neil’s body on him because it never feels suffocating, if only a heavy and sturdy promise that he can rely on, something safe to hold him in place. 

He feels Neil twist away from the kiss, his hands flat on Andrew’s belly. 

“Can I take your pants off?” He asks and Andrew nods, but when Neil doesn’t move, he bucks his hips.

“ _Yes,_ Neil. Come on.”

The other didn’t need much more persuasion than that, before he feels fingers tugging at the waistband of his track pants. Tugging them down with only some struggle and some light mumbling before he chucks them over his shoulder. Andrew nods at Neil’s own pants and hopes his message is clear, and feels surprised the idiot figures it out and pulls his own sweatpants off. 

Both of them are clearly hard in their boxers. But Neil doesn’t pay any attention to his own issue at hand before swooping down and kissing Andrew again, his hands back to their own steady pace at rubbing along Andrew’s sides. 

“Take my fucking underwear off too.” Andrew grumbles impatiently, pulling at his shoulders in annoyance. 

Neil finger curls around his boxes and yanks them down faster than he had pulled off his clothing before. Andrew makes a slight noise in surprise and feels himself slap against his stomach, Neil groans at the sight, his icy blue eyes flickering up and Andrew tilts his head in the direction of their nightstand. 

“It’s still a yes from me if it’s a yes from you.” He says and Neil nods and murmurs his confirmation before reaching over Andrew and searching for lube in the drawer. 

Andrew gives himself a few minutes to take stock of how he’s feeling. His body isn’t as tense as he thought it would be, and he can feel a mix of arousal and anticipation in his gut. It isn’t terrible and with Neil’s hands, that tremble slightly in return, making their way down his body. Andrew can’t find it in himself to complain. 

Neil coats some of his fingers in lube, before sitting in between Andrew’s thighs again. His fingers drifting lower and Andrew’s breath hitches, trying to spread his legs more without feeling embarrassed at the position. So used to the positions being reversed. 

“Tell me if it hurts at all or if you are uncomfortable.” Neil says.

“I will.” 

With that, he feels the first hesitant press of a fingertip against himself. At first the chill from the lube takes him by surprise, and the odd feeling of having anymore this close to him in that area. Somewhere he never even experimented with when masturbating by himself.

Neil doesn’t try to press in at first, just lightly rubbing. Spreading the lube around and making Andrew squirm under him, before he finally puts more pressure behind his finger and he starts to press inside. 

It doesn’t hurt. It just feels weird. Once Neil has fully pressed his finger inside of him, spending the entire time watching his face, he begins moving slowly.

Seeming to pick up on what Andrew was thinking, he gives him a lopsided smile. “It feels weird at first, I know. It should start feeling better when you get used to it.”

The fact that Neil of all people is giving him sex advice his laughable except for the fact that part of Andrew is eating it up. 

Neil moves around slightly, pressing in and out and Andrew lets himself feel. Let’s himself sink into the feelings, his body adjusting to it slowly - at the prodding and pushing. At Neil’s soothing hand rubbing along his thigh, gentle lips against his knee.

“Okay?” Neil murmurs and Andrew nods, teeth digging into his bottom lip so he makes no noises.

“Try two?” He says breathlessly, “Just... slow.” 

Neil hesitates for a moment until Andrew continues, “I’m okay, it’s a yes.”

So Neil pulls out and squirts more lube onto his hand causing Andrew to frown but Neil only meets his eyes and sends a cheeky wink before he shifts back into position.

The press of two fingers makes Andrew’s breath catch in his throat, Neil instantly pauses but Andrew motions for him to keep going. This time Andrew can feel the faint, echo of a burn he hates so, his stomach twists slightly but it doesn’t hurt. 

He bites his lip, he doesn’t hate the burn as much as he should. If he tries he might be able to find it enjoyable. 

“Andrew?” Neil’s voice echoes back to him, “Andrew, are you okay?”

“Fine.” He grits back his eyes squeezing shut, not wanting to move too much and risk jostling something worse.

But before he can think about it more, Neil withdraws with a kiss to Andrew’s knee. The latter crawls forward and Andrew lets his eyes open to meet Neil’s. 

“You stopped.” It isn’t a question, more so an observation. He hopes Neil confirms it though.

A hesitant smile dances across Neil’s lips, a hand bushes blond bangs away from Andrew’s forehead. “If you aren’t sure if you like it, I think it’s fine to stop here for now.”

At first, Andrew is angry at Neil’s words the moment they set in. He doesn’t appreciate being told what he can and can’t handle but - but he can’t ignore the looming storm clouds in the back of his head. It wasn’t bad, it didn’t hurt or anything - it was new. 

Neil knows it’s new. Neil doesn't want to push it. 

He thinks he might have glared at the other, but he doesn't argue. Instead shuffling uncomfortably under Neil before he hooks his legs around the latters hips and twists his body to get him underneath him again. 

Strandling Neil, he feels more in his element. Regarding the other cooly he lets himself fall back into control of the situation and splays his hands across scarred skin. 

“Always making me do all the work.” Andrew accuses but they both know it’s a deflection, Neil doesn’t call him on it this time. Instead letting a lazy smile cross his face and jutting his chin out because they both are still hard and the storm clouds aren’t close enough to stop them completely. 

Andrew catches Neil’s lips on his own and finds that tonight doesn’t feel so much like a failure but rather like a hesitant step in a new direction.

-

It’s a Tuesday, a lull between classes when Andrew finally says it. 

Neil is spread across the living room floor, in front of the TV, flipping through a textbook and clearly not digesting any of the information. Andrew is propped up on the couch, watching the mind numbing show playing and scoops cereal into his mouth. It’s on Tuesdays, just after noon that only he and Neil are home alone, it’s nice. 

He watches the way Neil swings his legs back and forth, the way he hums under his breath in a way that shows he doesn’t even realize he’s started doing it. Andrew studies his arms, which are never given enough credit in his opinion. Neil isn’t small, he’s sleak, athletic body was crafted for running - but he still lifts weights in the gym like everyone else. God knows his exy stick is heavy enough to pack on some muscles and Andrew has zero complaints in that department. 

Arms that he trusts to hold him when he needs it, hands that he doesn’t flinch from, a mind that stops when he asks for it too. 

A want that he finally is ready to voice, finally ready to accept it himself. 

“I want to have sex.” Is what comes out of his mouth instead. Neil, for his credit, just freezes, blinks, and then begins swinging his legs again and turns his head to look in Andrew’s direction. One hand tucked under his cheek to keep it up and flashes him a smile. 

“Right now? You think we can manage it in ten minutes?” 

It’s teasing, and also makes his blood rush but it isn’t what he means right now.

“No,” Andrew starts, before hesitating, not sure how to go about this now- he isn’t used to being at a loss for words.

Neil was fine with the fingering and Neil, in the end, is just a man, he’s never brought up wanting to top before but Andrew is sure he must have thought about it. 

Taking a breath, Andrew finds his voice again, “No, I want you to have sex with _me_.”

Neil blinks, slowly. “Isn’t that what I always do? Jesus fuck now isn’t the time to tell me you’re actually Aaron.” 

“Neil.” Andrew glares, though he feels a smile tugging in his mind and if he was someone else he might have show it, “I mean you fucking me. I want to try.”

This brings pause to the other. His blue eyes wide as he stares at Andrew, as if analyzing his every movement - hell, he probably was. 

But of course, the only thing he says is - “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” 

Andrew stares at Neil, before he goes to stand and makes his way over to the other. Crouching on the floor beside him, maybe it’s just because he wants to feel his warmth closer to him now. 

“Why now?” Neil starts, “Are you sure?”

Huffing, Andrew rolls his eyes and lays down across Neil’s back. 

“Because I want to try, and you’re the only person I want to try it with. So yes, I’m sure you fucking idiot.” 

Neil snorts, reaching a hand over to card through Andrew’s hair, moments like these, where yeses or no’s weren’t needed were quickly becoming his favorite. 

“Okay,” Neil says softly, “I’d like that too ‘drew, just let me know when.” 

He already has an answer prepared but he keeps it back, he doesn’t want to come across as desperate. But peering out of one eye at the other resting on his free arm, a small smile on his face as he tries to turn to keep playing with Andrew’s hair, Andrew feels that it’ll be soon. Maybe, hopefully. 

-

In the end, it takes almost a month until they get the chance to be truly alone on a weekend, a weekend that hasn’t been haunted by nightmares or stressful weeks. They can curl around each other on the couch and Andrew can gorge out on junk food while Neil sits by and complains. It’s getting to walk around the grocery store with Neil making biting comments beside him and Andrew getting to return them, letting themselves bicker over simple things like food because they’ve never had the luxury before. 

It’s getting curled into his bed at night and wrapping his arms around Neil’s torso, and sleeping soundly for the first time in their lives. 

It’s Sunday, when Andrew says it. 

Neil is just getting out of the shower and Andrew is waiting for him, standing on his feet when Neil walks into the room already dressed. The moment he sees Andrew, he can tell that Neil knows, knows something is going to happen by the spark of interest in those blue eyes. 

“Today,” Andrew says as unaffected as he can, “Let’s try now.” 

“Right now?” Neil asks, he doesn’t need to ask what Andrew is talking about.

Andrew nods, “I’m saying yes, so now you tell me- yes or no, Neil?” 

To his credit, Neil doesn’t hesitate, the desperate, “ _Yes,”_ slips out of his mouth in seconds. But he doesn’t move to Andrew like he had thought he would, instead frozen in place. 

So Andrew makes the step, he reaches out and pulls Neil to him. Letting his lips press against the others, lets himself sink into the warmth and the hesitant touch of fingers to the back of his head. Neil, even though his nerves are obvious, and even though Andrew can detect a faint tremble running through his body, still kisses him in earnest. He still lets those tiny sighs slip out as Andrew swipes his tongue across Neil’s bottom lip, pulling Neil into him, closer. 

“You can touch me.” Andrew says, between the small gap of their lips. His eyes flickering up to meet ice blue. “Stick with the waist and up for now though.” 

Neil nods his head, before dipping his head into another kiss and Andrew relishes the arms wrapping around his middle and pulling him flush to Neil’s chest. He snakes a hand up to cup either side of Neil’s face as he walks them backwards. 

The arms around him leave his heart stuttering in his chest. He doesn’t feel trapped, he knows if he even shows the slightest bit of hesitation Neil would let him go, give him space, and wouldn’t hold it against him. Andrew, for only a moment, lets his thirteen year old self who cried in the dark corner of his room, the one who imagined what it would be like to be touched gently like this, to be held and not be afraid, he lets that part of him have this moment. 

“Come on, Junkie.” Andrew murmurs against Neil’s lips when the backs of his knees hit the edge of his bed. Neil seems hesitant for a moment, Andrew knows he’s nervous, scared to do something like push Andrew onto the bed because it’s usually Andrew taking the lead. 

“I said yes.” Andrew says, and he lets himself sound annoyed. Because he isn’t a child, and he shouldn’t be treated as such. Shouldn’t be treated like he’s so breakable. But Andrew can’t help the small burning ember of fondness and gratefulness, because he supposes that no one in his life had bothered to treat him as such. “You’ll stop you if I tell you too.”

Neil pulls away slightly, something gleaming in his eyes and his lips flick into a subtle smile. “Okay.” He whispers, before he clasps onto Andrew’s shoulders and pushes. Andrew lets himself go down easy. Making sure to keep his hold on Neil as he moves to hover over top of Andrew. He pulls them to the top of the bed and lays in the pillows, peering up at the icy eyes, scarred cheeks and the flush that climbs across them. 

Neil ducks his head and kisses Andrew with something akin to desperation, to which Andrew returns in earnest while he clings to Neil. He wants him closer, closer than this, he wants to feel the other’s skin against his. Something he hadn’t thought ever possible so few years ago. 

He tugs at the bottom of Neil’s shirt, who quickly complies and sits back to fling it up and over his head. The motion shows off the taunt stretch of his muscles and Andrew hums his appreciation as he reaches a hand out and presses it to the other’s abs. 

This is also something he enjoys. 

“Staring.” Comes Neil’s voice, rough, as he moves to nose at Andrew’s neck. Ruining the perfect sight in front of him and Andrew grunts his frustration. Leaning over to nip at Neil’s now exposed shoulder in retaliation. 

“I was enjoying the view.” He responds, tugging at those auburn curls. 

“Oh?” Neil smirks, “I thought you hated me?”

“I told you, every inch of you.” He leans up on his elbows to meet Neil. “You think I’d blow someone who I didn’t think was at least aesthetically appealing? Something had to make up for that god awful personality of yours.” 

Neil laughs at that and Andrew drowns in the sound. Letting it wash over him, letting himself indulge in the warmth that booms across his chest. 

“How vain of you Andrew Minyard.” 

Andrew shrugs, kissing his way down Neil’s neck and collar bone. Pausing to focus on a scar that he finds, pressing his lips softly along it. Enjoying the hitch to Neil’s breathing as the other wraps a hand in blonde hair. 

At that, Andrew bucks his hip upwards, pressing himself into Neil. His arousal had been only a distant thought until the moment he felt Neil’s grind alongside him and those soft sighs spill from those soft lips. 

God, Andrew burns. His heart is slamming painfully hard against his ribcage. It reminds him of the first time he and Neil had sex, and he suppose this isn’t a far off thing from that. But he trusts this. He trusts Neil. 

Neil, now stradling Andrew’s hips, shifts forward too. Letting himself grind alongside Andrew, who lets the grunt slip past his lips, if only to help calm the trembling of Neil’s grip. 

Lightly, he feels hands push against his shoulders. Andrew lets them press him back into the mattress as Neil hovers above him. His hands resting on either side of Andrew’s face, he dips and presses a chaste kiss to his lips before he’s speaking again. 

“Do you still want to do this?” Neil asks and Andrew huffs, rolling his eyes.

“Neil I-”

“No, Andrew. I need to hear it.” Neil cuts in, his eyebrows creasing slightly in the same fucking concern and Andrew frowns at the sight. “I want this to be good for you, I want to make you feel good tonight. But I don’t want you pushing yourself or trying to ‘get this over with’. It’s not that I don’t trust your judgement, but I- ” 

Andrew hates his heart for squeezing unbearably tight at that. 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” The other presses again and Andrew sighs, reaching up to wrap his arms around his neck and bringing him closer. 

“It’s a yes, I want this.” He promises, and then against his better judgement adds, “I want you.” He refuses to let his voice shake as he speaks. Trying to convey how he felt with his eyes, he isn’t mad at Neil for asking. Because he would be hypocrite. “You can touch me anywhere now, just tell me before you do something that might surprise me.” 

Neil stares down at him as he speaks, watching him intently, searching him. He must find what he was looking for because once Andrew finishes, he nods. Ducking to kiss him, once, twice, three times before he pulls at Andrew’s shirt. 

The other pulls it off and tosses it to the floor and sighs when Neil drops his head and starts to kiss along his chest. His fingers moving in circles on his nipple before he kisses alongside his shoulders and then his arms. 

“Can I kiss your scars?” He murmurs against his skin. Andrew nods, his eyes fluttering closed as Neil takes his permission and begins the trail of kisses over the battle ground along his arms. The memories of how they got there are far away for once, and for once his mind stays with him in the present. In the grounding touches of his partner.

Neil dips farther, his lips resting on Andrew’s stomach as his hands come and lay on the waistline of his jeans. His eyes darting up to lock with hazel and Andrew gives him a nod. The button to the black pants popped open, before they were tugged down, along with Andrew’s boxers. 

Neil sits up while discarding Andrew’s pants, letting his scars stand in their glory. The cold air on himself makes him hiss through his teeth, his eyes squeeze shut when he hears his clothes hit the ground with a thud. 

“Andrew.” Neil says and Andrew opens his eyes. Neil’s hand is hovering over Andrew’s dick, his blue eyes searching again so Andrew bucks his hips up slightly to meet Neil’s waiting palm. That seemed to work for an answer because Neil wraps his hand around Andrew and gives a few small pumps before pressing a kiss to Andrew’s thigh. 

“Gonna blow you when I prep you,” Neil mutters, his eyes flicking up. “Or do you want to prep yourself?”

Andrew shakes his head, “You can. First thing - is a yes too.” 

“Okay.” 

Neil is up again, moving to the bedside drawer before he pulls out their bottle of lube and a condom. Andrew doesn’t miss the soft tremble still going through his body as he clambers back over him. Usually the positions switched, usually it was Andrew getting ready to prep Neil, Neil laying in anticipation. 

Andrew huffs, and his body only twitches slightly at the sound of the cap of the lube shutting. 

“Okay?” Neil asks again, and Andrew has half a mind to glare at him before nodding and splaying his legs further apart for Neil.

“Okay, Junkie.” He had half a mind to be embarrassed of how exposed he feels. They had done this a few more times before, but it still felt horrifically revealing. He wonders if this is how Neil feels too, when Andrew sits on his hunches and stares at him squirming underneath. 

First Neil presses a kiss to the head of Andrew’s cock. A broken gasp slips out of him at it, and then he feels the cold lube covered fingers make their way underneath him and begin to rub gentle circles. Andrew bites his lip when the finger presses forward, and pushes past the ring of muscle. The feeling was still strange, it never left him wracked in pleasure like Neil would be, but it didn’t hurt and it didn’t burn. 

Neil moved his finger in time with the bobbing of his head and Andrew reached a hand out to wrap it in Neil’s waiting hair. 

“Neil,” He manages as Neil slowly keeps moving his finger in and out. The feeling never really changing, “You can do two.” 

Without stopping his head, Andrew feels another lube coated finger press against him before it too starts to press into him. This time it takes more effort, and Andrew has to force himself to relax so Neil could actually do something. The slight burn is still there, from the times before, but Andrew finds he doesn’t mind it. His breath is heavier now as his head drops onto the pillows behind him. 

“Are you still good?” Neil asks, pulling off of Andrew to look at him. Andrew nods as Neil begins scissoring his fingers ever so slightly. It feels good, Andrew can admit to that. The pressure of feeling something inside of him. But it still wasn’t how others reacted, Andrew had half the mind to know there was a chance something in him would be broken from everything done to him but -

Neil cocks his fingers and presses it against a spot inside of him and Andrew groans in surprise. The sound ripped out of him at the shooting fire of pleasure that carries down to his toes. His chest squeezing and his mind trying to catch up to the moment.

Both are frozen. Andrew’s head shooting up and his hand flying to his mouth at the noise that just left him. Neil’s face is flushed red, his blue eyes clouded with lust because Andrew doesn’t make noises like that in bed. 

“Are, do-?” Neil starts but Andrew is sighing again when Neil prods at that spot, “Right there?” 

Andrew knows his face is red, one of the many curses of being blonde. “Neil,” He grunts, subtly trying to press himself onto Neil’s fingers. “ _Fuck_ -”

Neil smirks, his fingers moving with more confidence and Andrew feels the shots of pleasure racing through him at the movement, his toes even curling slightly at the feeling. “Another finger, Neil. Come on, hurry up.” He gasps and Neil obligues. 

This one is like the other, but now Andrew can feel himself getting worked up and Neil pulled out briefly to add more lube. His fingers curl into the sheets as Neil finishes prepping him, while placing kisses over Andrew’s knees, thighs, and stomach.

“Fuck, you look so good.” Neil moans at some point, his face resting up against Andrew’s thigh. Even without Andrew touching him, he looks like a mess. His face flushed, and his breath coming in uneven pants

“Shu- shut the fuck up.” Andrew snaps, “You look like you’re about to come in your pants.” 

Neil laughs, it’s ragged noise that does nothing to help subdue the mounting pleasure growing in his core, “I probably could, fuck.” 

Andrew isn’t sure why that destroys him slightly but it does. He never understood how anyone like Neil could find him sexually appealing, how something as simple as finding ways to make Andrew feel good, could leave him such a mess. 

“I’m ready.” Andrew says instead, reaching down to pull at Neil’s hair and bring him back up to him. Neil follows and kisses Andrew but doesn’t stop his movements under him. 

“Not yet.” 

Andrew let’s his displeasure show, but it falls flat when Neil is moving his fingers in that way again. 

After a few more minutes Neil finally slips his fingers out and Andrew is slightly shocked that he misses the feeling. 

But now Neil is hovering over him again, and the reality of what they are about to do is really sinking into Andrew. After everything in his life, he was sure he’d never be able to do this. He was almost positive he would never find anyone - Neil kisses his neck softly and Andrew bucks his hips up - Neil’s attentive hands - he never thought he could someone who he would trust enough - to _want_ enough, to do this. Andrew reaches down and pulls Neil’s belt off and unbuttons his pants with practiced ease. 

“This feels unfair that I’m naked and you aren’t.” Andrew grumbles and Neil laughs before kicking his underwear and pants off the rest of the way. He’s painfully hard, and Andrew strokes him once before moving up again. 

Neil is breathing heavy, his hands trembling as they cup up his body before he rests them besides Andrew’s head again. Bracketing him in. Andrew meets his eyes, his expression unable to express what he’s feeling but he hopes Neil can read it in him. He always could figure Andrew out. 

“We don’t-” Neil starts but Andrew is already clamping a hand around his mouth.

“It’s still a yes, Neil. I want you. Is it still a yes for you?” 

Neil blinks, before nodding his head from behind Andrew’s hand. Satisfied, he lets go and reaches over to find the condom that Neil had thrown over there earlier; before clamping one end in his mouth, and pulling it open with the other.

He passes it to Neil, who sits up to put it on, as well as lubing himself up. His breath stuttered slightly at the contact. Before he throws it to the side and grasps himself, scooting forward and pressing the tip to Andrew’s entrance, with the help of Andrew’s guiding hands.

Neil carefully places his body back over top Andrew, who hitches his legs around Neil’s waist, his arms going around his shoulders as he feels the tip press against him. The feeling sends a shot of arousal through him instead of fear.

“Neil, it’s a yes.” Andrew hums, against the latters ear. Trembling hands grip tighter in response. “Come on, Neil.”

“Tell me if it hurts at all.” Neil whispers back instead.

Andrew thinks that the statement is pointless because he knows what to expect. He can’t help it. He waits for it, the burning. But since it’s Neil, it would be okay. He wants to feel it with Neil. Even when it does hurt. 

Neil pushes in and Andrew gasps, Neil dropping his head into the crook of Andrew’s neck. One hand clutching Andrew’s hip as he presses slowly forward into him. 

_Oh._

“Fuc- shit Andrew.” Neil gasps and Andrew silently agrees with it because - 

It doesn’t hurt. 

He’s holding onto Neil for dear life, his heart pounding in his chest because he wants and wants and wants and he trusts Neil. And it doesn’t hurt.

He watches his partner’s face contort in pleasure, his mouth gaping open slightly as he pauses to check on Andrew, a hand coming up to cup his face and Andrew lets himself press into it. 

“Are you okay?” He asks, and something is bubbling to life in his chest, the pressure so much Andrew almost wants to giggle. 

Imagine that, Andrew Minyard giggling. 

Because he is, he’s okay.

It doesn’t hurt. 

He nods his head, pressing his heels into the small of Neil’s back to push him forward more and keep him moving because Andrew wants him closer. As close as he can get to him as humanly possible. 

“Neil.” He gasps, his hands crawling up the others back and into his hair as Neil finally bottoms out. Pressing his hips flush to Andrew’s. 

“Oh fuck.” Neil groans, his eyes fluttering close a few times as a shaky hand continues to stroke Andrew’s cheek bone. “Shit - fuck, you feel amazing 'Drew.” He whispers. 

His stomach flutters at that, making his hips shift upwards and moving Neil slightly inside of him.

Both of them gasp at that, and Andrew isn’t embarrassed he’s making those sounds. His hands feel Neil’s skin under his palms as they rest for a few moments, basking in the presence of each other. Andrew letting himself be held, he lets himself be vulnerable and Neil holds him. Pressing kisses to his face as he quivers against Andrew. 

“Move.” Andrew grunts, when he feels both of them relax. His nerves still skating on thin ice but then Neil is moving and Andrew’s mouth falls slack. 

“ _Oh.”_ Both Neil and Andrew sputter out at the same time as Neil pulls out slightly and pushes in again. So this is how Neil feels underneath him, this is- _oh._

Andrew does both of them a favour and pushes himself down on Neil again.

“Fuck.” He gasps when Neil’s hips meet his own, the pace slow and careful, but the drag is enough to send Andrew reeling. He feels Neil’s eyes heavy on him, checking him over, for any signs of pain, any signs of Andrew’s mind betraying him. Any signs of a no.

But Andrew’s mind is singing a yes, as well as his body. And few times does he not have to fight his body and mind so hard for them to match up. His hands scrambling on Neil’s back as Neil rocks into him over and over again. 

Their lips meet in kisses that are too gentle for men with edges so rough, and fingers that skim skin with a softness no one would ever think possible. Andrew traces the scars on Neil’s face, as he gasps at a sharp movement. 

“Fuck, Neil, fuck.” He hisses, the pleasure something so foreign but so powerful as it spreads across him. “ _Ah_ -”

Neil’s breath is laboured and choppy, he moves quicker, their lips mere inches from each other as they share each other's breaths and gasps. Neil grinding his hips down and Andrew spinning in his mind as he bucks his hips up to meet Neil. 

“This feel okay?” Neil rasps as he shifts their position and Andrew is nodding, his eyes fluttering closed when Neil shifts his arm down and hooks it around Andrew’s knee, pulling it up so Neil can keep it hooked on his arm as he pushes into Andrew again.

The new angle makes Andrew’s head slam into the pillows, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he fights himself from making an obscenely loud noise. The new angle making it so Neil is pressing against Andrew just right and _holy fuck._

His eyes are burning, he doesn’t know why, but he reaches forward and presses his lips desperately to Neil’s. He hopes his message is conveyed. 

_Thank you, thank you, thank you._

His eyes flutter open so he can see the sharp blue eyes above him, the way auburn hair is starting to plaster to Neil's forehead from sweat, the way his cheeks are flared red, his face flushed with pleasure but the overwhelming look in his eyes as he watches Andrew like he’s something good, something he wants to have. Something he wants to protect, someone that he wants to make feel as good as he can. Andrew doesn’t understand how he’s possible, doesn’t understand why he can’t look away now.

“Andrew? Are you okay?” 

He feels Neil begin to stop moving and Andrew groans, his hands flying to grip Neil’s hips to stop him from pulling out. “Don’t stop, don’t - don't fucking, you idiot, ‘mm fine.”

Neil grunts lightly and hesitantly moves again and Andrew sighs quietly in approval. He only pauses when he feels a finger come up and wipe under his eyes. 

Andrew opens them at that, and they are blurred. For a heart stopping moment, Andrew realizes he’s crying. He can’t even remember the last time he cried. Neil’s face is contorted in concern, as he dips down and kisses the tears away as gently as he can. However seemingly managed to put together that the tears are good. 

“It doesn’t hurt.” Andrew manages out instead, a reassurance. “You feel good, this is good, I-” _I didn’t know I could feel like this._ His words are broken off with a moan, and Neil kisses him so gently that Andrew didn’t know how this was _him_. How it was possible to be this safe. To be - to be - “I love you.” He gasps and Neil’s hips double snap at that because Andrew _doesn't_ say those words first. 

Neil's smile is so sickenly sweet, Andrew has to press their foreheads together to avoid staring at it. “I love you too.” Neil whispers back.

Neil moves faster now, more confident, his hand wrapping around Andrew’s cock and jerking him off in time with his thrusts. Andrew shutters and bucks his hips, as he caters towards the edge. His stomach taunt as Neil moves and Andrew’s limbs are buzzing, his heart is so tight it feels like it’s going to burst and suddenly he’s falling. 

“Neil - Neil, I’m-” His voice breaks off as his body is rushed off in a wave of consuming pleasure and then he comes across his chest and Neil’s hand. Pulling the other down into his arms, Neil loses his rhythm and jerks his hips a few times before moving to pull out but Andrew is quicker. Hooking his ankles tighter and pressing his mouth to Neil’s ear to whisper, “ _Stay._ ”

That’s all it takes for Neil to tumble over the edge with him, his body crumpling forward with a broken groan and Andrew is there to catch him with ease.

The world comes back to Andrew slowly, with Neil laying in his arms. The auburn hair, sweaty and splayed outwards, his fingers skimming up and down Andrew’s sides. 

His own are playing with Neil’s hair as he catches his breath, and pulling his legs off Neil’s back so the later could pull out. Both wince at the loss, as Neil forces himself to sit up right and pull the condom off and toss it into the bin. 

Neil looks like he’s about to leave the bed, so Andrew reaches out and tugs him back down with him. Neil makes a surprised grunt at the action, and perhaps of annoyance as the mess of Andrew’s chest is smeared against him as well.

“Gee thanks Andrew.” Neil mumbles and Andrew flicks his ear in return. 

“You’re welcome.” 

They lay like that for a few moments, breathing in the others presences before Neil is looking over at him with those fucking eyes that kill Andrew a little bit every time. 

“You’re beautiful.” He whispers, a hand reaching out to cup his cheek and skim his thumb along it.

Andrew knows his face flushes deeper but he isn’t currently blissed out in pleasure anymore- thankfully lounging in his afterglow, so he settles for:

“I will suffocate you with a pillow if you pull cheesy pillow talk.” He snaps without heat and Neil raises an eyebrow with a fond smile on his face. With a sigh, Andrew rolls to his side and presses himself against Neil, burying his face to the crook of his neck.

“Are you okay?” Neil asks, because of course he has too.

Andrew, who through his entire life dreamed of moments like these, until he became so broken the very thought of experiencing something like this made him sneer in disgust. To now, pulling himself closer in his junkie’s arms, his heart doesn’t hurt - not right now. And his mind is clear for the night - he knows it isn’t fixed just because he could do this tonight, it doesn’t mean he will be able to do it tomorrow or another day when the demons are too loud. But their entire relationship is built on _that_ because it isn’t needed, because if Andrew needs to say no - he can, and if Neil needs too - he can. And when they can both can say yes. They do. He remembers his younger self, and he lets himself smile, against Neil’s shoulder, for the first time in ten years. His hand pressing Neil closer to him in a silent promise of never letting him go. 

_I found him,_ he tells his younger self, _you will too_. 

“I’m okay.” Andrew promises, and he means it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, remember that trauma may stay with you forever, but things will get easier as you grow. Even if you make a step backwards, you're still here and working for a better future :) Love you all! Comments are very appreciated.
> 
> Andrew deserves this.
> 
> also special thanks to @emotionlessmo and @manyaaa21 on twitter, for beta reading this! :)


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